I WENT TO THE STUDIOS
THE OTHER DAY...
NOBODY!

I thought it was
a training for the Big One,
but they told me
that it was for the strike.

Oh, boys... you don't know
how life can be BOOOORING
when you can't work any more!
I didn't really watch the news,
so I thought they were striking

because they wanted more free time
to walk on those picket lines...
but lately someone told me that
they were striking because
they wanted to be payed for going
on Internet, and this is, frankly
a bit too much...

I'm surfing all the time on the web,
and it's me who has to pay
for my high speed connection!

After a while I made a big decision:
I will write the scripts MYSELF!

but then, I don't know why,
they made me kindly understand

that It was better if I could find
another occupation...
They even took my exercice book away!

but I'm a stubborn guy.

And it is NOT true I didn't go
on the picket line:
I DID go, (the pizza was excellent
there, and for free)
but I didn't want that my Image

could overtake all the good people
who were there...
you know...the reporters
could have totally forgotten
their aim...and followed me
instead of the strikers...

so I went there in disguise!

Do you like my new look?
by the way, I will explain
you in the order what happened:

As nobody was filming,
I tried several things
to kill time...I tried to cook...

but the result was deadly...

or WORST!


then, with a friend of mine, we
decided to play a bit with all those
funny things you can find in the studios...
we started a duel with swords,
like in "pirates of the Caribbean"

What do you mean
"I should have been more careful?"

I was! I was wearing gloves,
so I didn't leave any FINGERPRINT!


Well, I was dying with boredom and
nobody wanted to play with me anymore
then it cames this guy, who had been
very impressed by an interview I had last april.


(video by live@magic castle)
He said I had EXACTLY the kind of voice
he was looking for. (he also said
"WE CAN USE HIS VOICE
AS IT IS!!!"
and I still don't understand
what the heck did he mean)
So he hired me for an
international blockbuster:
THE CHIPMUNKS!!!


And then, after that,
there was all the promotion,
I made several quick interviews:




er...VERY quick, sometimes,


but the most amazing thing,
is that they published a whole number of
National Gubegraphic totally about me!


Look, it's AMAZING!

.

CHARACTERISTICS


Chipmunks are vocal rodents,
producing a loud "chipping"
noise or trill which is often
mistaken for bird calls.


HOW TO GROW YOUR CHIPMUNK

The chipmunk is relatively
easy to grow:
he needs a little cage

perfectly clean,
if you don't want to see your
chipmunk mop the floor for 2 hours.
Just make sure the cage is well closed....

Chipmunks can be as distructive as a
tornado, and they LOVE music!!!
He will also need

a little container full of water,
so he can have his 7 hours daily bath.
Don't put the container if you have
also a female in the same cage, though:

Female chipmunk are sneaky and
pervy, apparently water excites them,
and the poor innocent male
would find himself

obliged to feed a huge family
after a VERY short while!


At the age of 10 days, the young
chipmunks begin to grow hair.

don't hesitate to give him
a little cut, if needed.

(but don't EVER sell his hair on Ebay,
I can't exactly explain you why, but you
would have serious problems if you do it..)

EATING HABITS

STORING FOOD
The chipmunk is perhaps
most well known for its
puffy cheeks, which hold
and carry food from place to place.

NATURAL ENEMIES
This lovely critter has just
a few natural enemies:

dogs....


And Santa.
That is why our extremely creative
Chipmunk has directed
a video for "the Killers"
wich is called:

,(You can buy it in all the
best shops or download it
on Itune and 100% of
the money will go to help
malaria and AIDS research
(HEY, DUDES,THIS IS NOT A JOKE!
GO AND BUY THE CD!!!!!!!!!!)

HYGIENE AND HEALTH
Our chipmunk is an extremely
clean little animal.
Just provide a container with sand

he will cover up everything like a cat.

TAKING CARE OF HIS HEALTH
If you little Chipmunk gets sick
you have two ways to cure him:

Suppositories...(but he HATES them)

or injections of caffeine...
but make sure he has no acces
to your kitchen, he gets accustomed
very quickly!

and then he will want to stock
supplies for the winter.


HIBERNATION

Our little chipmunk will
start to hybernate at the
beginning of winter.
Prepare him a little nest

where he will curl up and
be able to sleep quietly....

he will wake up hungry in the spring!

Just be careful, he risks to be
in a VERY VERY agressive mood! So...

Don't approach too much to the cage....
expecially....

If you are wearing Santa's clothes!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND
HAPPY NEW YEAR
TO EVERYBODY!!!!

FOR MEN ONLY

GUYS I have good news for you!
As I have noticed that there is a lot
of "amateurism" in the way usually
guys try to get girls,
I decided to open my own
school of charm.
WELCOME TO THE
M.A.T.T.H.E.W.
(MY AMAZING TRICKS TO
HELP to EXCELL with WOMEN)!
Please note that we are here


You have probably noticed
I NEVER have problems
in picking up girls.
Shemar told me the other day
something that made me think:

SHEMAR: "Must be tough, man."
ME: "Not really."
SHEMAR: "What do you mean?
You don't do anything
and these women are
throwing themselves at you."

I don't do anything? Not exactly.
It's a full time preparation job!
As a Philatelist collect stamps,
I think I can consider myself
a true Feminist,

because I collect women!
But despite my incredible technique,
I always care about what think of me
my "fellow guys" friends, because


er....
let's now consider the different
points that will turn
a total loser like you into a better
profiler, a better playboy.

THE HUNTING FIELD
the ideal hunting field is
absolutely ANYWHERE .
One of my fav is the
ELEVATOR:
High concentration of preys
in 4 square meters...
only....

you cannot always chose
with whom you'll be stuck in...

INTERNET
is fabulous...
You have just to understand well
what a VIRTUAL image is...

it's useless trying to reach
what you don't see on the screen.

KINDERGARTEN
Don't get me wrong,
I'm not THAT kind of guy...
I'm not intrested in children,
of course...

but you have THREE good reasons
to be nice to them:
1)they have lovely MOMS
2)they will GROW UP
and you have to stock supplies
for your old days
3) even if you don't "get" anything...


you can always play with the swing!
The best way to get what you want is
to go there undercover:
You can lend a child
from one of your friends
and play the loving dad...

But try to get one more
cooperative than this one...
he went on telling to everybody
I was a moron...
wonder why.


TOILETS


there are Ladies and
Gentlemen rooms,
apparently an easy choice.

but sometimes...

It can be a bit CONFUSING.

HOSPITALS
Remember, for her
you are the good guy.

so show your concern, comfort her.
It's a difficult moment in her life.
Moreover...

after a month of COMA
she is not strong enough
to punch you on your face!

DEN
don't forget you also need
a place where you can bring
your preys (if you can ever get one)
to give you a good example
I will show you my "den"

it's quite a lot of time
I don't come here anymore
since i had to go to live in L.A.

....What the f...

HOLY CRAP!

I had TOTALLY forgotten
my rendez-vous with...
what was her name.....
Well, let's consider the bright side...

she was waiting for me
with NO DRESS ON!


ACCESSORIES
since you are NOT
an Ex Top Model,
or a Great Actor,

you might need
some accessories to help you.

a good car is always a must,

and believe me...

if she has a car like this, you might
even turn a blind eye to
the fact that she is
NOT a top model either...

THE APPROACH

Please ban all those unoriginal,
boring sentences
such as "what is the time"
"You've got lovely eyes"
"did we meet before?"
However, and despite
of their originality,

sentences like:
"No this is not my gun
I'm happy to see you"
or:
"drop your pants
we have to talk"
are also to avoid.
Some particularly sensible subjects
might not react as expected.

There is a sentence
that works pretty well
but only with real blondes:

"You have an awesome hair color
I bet you spent a lot of money to get it!"
with a little luck...

she might be tempted to
give you the proof that
she is a TRUE blonde!


WARDROBE

When you go out with the girl
you should chose your own clothes
with care....


but even MORE important:
You should help her
to chose HER dress with care.
If you go for instance
to a friends party,
or to the Firemen Ball,
or even to the 39th Annual Academy
of Magical Arts Awards,
no matter with how many girls
you go there... one, maybe even two...
chose for them
bright colors such as RED....

you will be able to spot them
easilly in the crowd
when they will try to sneak away.
(Once you catch them, you can always
tie them up with your
bolo tie, if you have any!)

THE RIGHT ATTITUDE
be self confident
(despite of what you are)

show the girl that
you have something in your pants!

BE PROUD OF YOURSELF
(if you can manage)!
Even if you will NEVER be
an ex Top Model
and a Famous Actor,
follow my exemple,
BE YOURSELF!


I always show them my pic
without t-shirt on!

WOMEN
Women are ALL beautiful,

as an Ex Top Model and a Great Actor,


I know it very well!

But you are just a pitiful beginner.
Mature women are
perfect for beginners:
they have experience and
and they can still be beautiful

or they can be very sweet

and totally spoil you!

But in ANY case,
no matter how desperate
you could be, you have

to fix yourself a limit!

LET'S MAKE THE LAST
POINT CLEAR
girls are not terrible monsters,

merciless vampires
ready to suck your blood...

THEY ARE
MUCH WORST THAN THAT!!!!!
THEY ARE FEROCIUS,
INCOMPREHENSIBLE ALIENS!!!!

luckily,

the Gube is here to help you
to "decode" the enemy!

LEARNING TO DECODE

The most important thing
you have to learn is to read the SIGNES.
There are GOOD SIGNES and BAD SIGNES.
You have to be extremely careful,
sometimes they are
very subtile, hard to catch.
Good sign:

if she nuzzles up your hand
like a kitten...
Bad sign:

if she hits you immediately after
just because you gave a quick look
to another babe...

Good sign:

if she accepts your invitation
for dinner...
Bad sign:

if she brings her HUSBAND!

good sign:

if she invites you to her place
bad sign:

if she is not there and
the only thing you find
is a letter of insults
VERY bad sign:

if everything exploses
while you are reading!

good sign:

if she allows you to help her
with her bathrobe
bad sign:

if she kicks you in the water
immediately after
VERY bad sign:

if you discover
that in her swimmigpool
there is a shark!

Let's now PRETEND
that you finally got the girl
and she accepted
to come to your place.
Play the
SURPRISE EFFECT!

even If I know perfectly
that for most of you

I't would be probably better
to leave the mask on...

Women love clever, intellectual guys.
always remember this,
you don't need to be a beauty.

have always with you a good book.
she doesn't need to know

what there is inside the cover!

THE ATMOSPHERE
is very important...
chose the music with care:

don't worry if you make a bit of mess
she will clean up in the end!
that's why you are trying
to get a girl, after all...
don't do like those idiots

who clean up all the place

just BEFORE she comes in!!!
It's ridiculous!

the only reason why
I'm cleaning up the place now,
it's because she ran away
just after she came in!

BITCH!

WELL, I THINK THAT NOW
YOU KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU SHOULD KNOW...



and if all you try does not work,
you can use my
ULTIMATE WEAPONS,
(they never fail)
you have the choice:


1)make puppy eyes

2)CRY!
GOOD LUCK!