GUYS I have good news for you!
As I have noticed that there is a lot
of "amateurism" in the way usually
guys try to get girls,
I decided to open my own
school of charm.
WELCOME TO THE
M.A.T.T.H.E.W.
(MY AMAZING TRICKS TO
HELP to EXCELL with WOMEN)!
Please note that we are here
You have probably noticed
I NEVER have problems
in picking up girls.
Shemar told me the other day
something that made me think:
SHEMAR: "Must be tough, man."
ME: "Not really."
SHEMAR: "What do you mean?
You don't do anything
and these women are
throwing themselves at you."
I don't do anything? Not exactly.
It's a full time preparation job!
As a Philatelist collect stamps,
I think I can consider myself
a true Feminist,
But despite my incredible technique,
I always care about what think of me
my "fellow guys" friends, because
er....
let's now consider the different
points that will turn
a total loser like you into a better
profiler, a better playboy.
THE HUNTING FIELD
the ideal hunting field is
absolutely ANYWHERE .
One of my fav is the
ELEVATOR:
High concentration of preys
in 4 square meters...
only....
you cannot always chose
with whom you'll be stuck in...
INTERNET
is fabulous...
You have just to understand well
what a VIRTUAL image is...
it's useless trying to reach
what you don't see on the screen.
KINDERGARTEN
Don't get me wrong,
I'm not THAT kind of guy...
I'm not intrested in children,
of course...
but you have THREE good reasons
to be nice to them:
1)they have lovely MOMS
2)they will GROW UP
and you have to stock supplies
for your old days
3) even if you don't "get" anything...
you can always play with the swing!
The best way to get what you want is
to go there undercover:
You can lend a child
from one of your friends
and play the loving dad...
But try to get one more
cooperative than this one...
he went on telling to everybody
I was a moron...
wonder why.
TOILETS
there are Ladies and
Gentlemen rooms,
apparently an easy choice.
but sometimes...
It can be a bit CONFUSING.
HOSPITALS
Remember, for her
you are the good guy.
so show your concern, comfort her.
It's a difficult moment in her life.
Moreover...
after a month of COMA
she is not strong enough
to punch you on your face!
DEN
don't forget you also need
a place where you can bring
your preys (if you can ever get one)
to give you a good example
I will show you my "den"
it's quite a lot of time
I don't come here anymore
since i had to go to live in L.A.
....What the f...
HOLY CRAP!
I had TOTALLY forgotten
my rendez-vous with...
what was her name.....
Well, let's consider the bright side...
she was waiting for me
with NO DRESS ON!
ACCESSORIES
since you are NOT
an Ex Top Model,
or a Great Actor,
you might need
some accessories to help you.
a good car is always a must,
and believe me...
if she has a car like this, you might
even turn a blind eye to
the fact that she is
NOT a top model either...
THE APPROACH
Please ban all those unoriginal,
boring sentences
such as "what is the time"
"You've got lovely eyes"
"did we meet before?"
However, and despite
of their originality,
sentences like:
"No this is not my gun
I'm happy to see you"
or:
"drop your pants
we have to talk"
are also to avoid.
Some particularly sensible subjects
might not react as expected.
There is a sentence
that works pretty well
but only with real blondes:
"You have an awesome hair color
I bet you spent a lot of money to get it!"
with a little luck...
she might be tempted to
give you the proof that
she is a TRUE blonde!
WARDROBE
When you go out with the girl
you should chose your own clothes
with care....
but even MORE important:
You should help her
to chose HER dress with care.
If you go for instance
to a friends party,
or to the Firemen Ball,
or even to the 39th Annual Academy
of Magical Arts Awards,
no matter with how many girls
you go there... one, maybe even two...
chose for them
bright colors such as RED....
you will be able to spot them
easilly in the crowd
when they will try to sneak away.
(Once you catch them, you can always
tie them up with your
bolo tie, if you have any!)
THE RIGHT ATTITUDE
be self confident
(despite of what you are)
show the girl that
you have something in your pants!
BE PROUD OF YOURSELF
(if you can manage)!
Even if you will NEVER be
an ex Top Model
and a Famous Actor,
follow my exemple,
BE YOURSELF!
I always show them my pic
without t-shirt on!
WOMEN
Women are ALL beautiful,
as an Ex Top Model and a Great Actor,
I know it very well!
But you are just a pitiful beginner.
Mature women are
perfect for beginners:
they have experience and
and they can still be beautiful
or they can be very sweet
and totally spoil you!
But in ANY case,
no matter how desperate
you could be, you have
to fix yourself a limit!
LET'S MAKE THE LAST
POINT CLEAR
girls are not terrible monsters,
ready to suck your blood...
MUCH WORST THAN THAT!!!!!
THEY ARE FEROCIUS,
INCOMPREHENSIBLE ALIENS!!!!
luckily,
the Gube is here to help you
to "decode" the enemy!
LEARNING TO DECODE
The most important thing
you have to learn is to read the SIGNES.
There are GOOD SIGNES and BAD SIGNES.
You have to be extremely careful,
sometimes they are
very subtile, hard to catch.
Good sign:
if she nuzzles up your hand
like a kitten...
Bad sign:
if she hits you immediately after
just because you gave a quick look
to another babe...
Good sign:
if she accepts your invitation
for dinner...
Bad sign:
if she brings her HUSBAND!
good sign:
if she invites you to her place
bad sign:
if she is not there and
the only thing you find
is a letter of insults
VERY bad sign:
if everything exploses
while you are reading!
good sign:
if she allows you to help her
with her bathrobe
bad sign:
if she kicks you in the water
immediately after
VERY bad sign:
if you discover
that in her swimmigpool
there is a shark!
Let's now PRETEND
that you finally got the girl
and she accepted
to come to your place.
Play the
SURPRISE EFFECT!
even If I know perfectly
that for most of you
I't would be probably better
to leave the mask on...
Women love clever, intellectual guys.
always remember this,
you don't need to be a beauty.
have always with you a good book.
she doesn't need to know
what there is inside the cover!
she doesn't need to know
what there is inside the cover!
THE ATMOSPHERE
is very important...
chose the music with care:
don't worry if you make a bit of mess
she will clean up in the end!
that's why you are trying
to get a girl, after all...
don't do like those idiots
who clean up all the place
It's ridiculous!
I'm cleaning up the place now,
it's because she ran away
just after she came in!
BITCH!
WELL, I THINK THAT NOW
YOU KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU SHOULD KNOW...
and if all you try does not work,
you can use my
ULTIMATE WEAPONS,
(they never fail)
you have the choice:
1)make puppy eyes
2)CRY!
GOOD LUCK!
