CRIMINAL FINGERS

I can't believe she did THAT!
I'll call her IMMEDIATELY.
She is going to HEAR me!


PAOLA! Are you CRAZY??? Why did you
spoil MY blog with that stupid story????


Wait a moment.... this is NOT your blog, this is
MY blog, honey, and I am the GODDESS here...
and you know what?
YES, I AM CRAZY!!!!BWAHAHAHAHA!
I am very proud of my story,
I made it with my very own HANDS!
I'm sooooo sorry you don't like it...
but it is going to be in here , whether you like it or not...


YOU ARE....If I had HIRED you you would be FIRED!

"But you didn't hire me....and you know what?
You look outrageously HOT when you are mad at me...
*WINK WINK!* so...enjoy the story! "








"DONNA BAFFUTA SEMPRE PIACIUTA"


Hello! I'm Paolafromparis, I work here, at B.A.U.
I am a G.U.B.E (Garbage Unit/Bureau Empoyee).
I excuse me, I am Italiana, I speak Englich no good.

Here evrybody are very nice, even that Morgan, he is a
bit hoolligan, he has too many teeth and I am always afraid
he will pinch my ass if I don't watch out.


But the one I prefere is the little one, he looks like he don't eat for 4 months.
When I see him my heart goes BWAM! And I feel I must to cook him
spaghetti "Bolognese" one of these days!



I always follow him everywhere, but he very shy. No easy to catch.
Last tuesday evening, he was in his office, (I locked the door, so he can't escape)
so I could cook for him good pasta "arrabbiata".


I say "eat, boy! This good for you!!!"


...


Maybe I put a little bit too much chilly pepper...
When he breath again I told him:


"Listen boy, you need a true woman, with true boobs"
*patting boobs with inner satisfaction*
not one "no-ass, no-boobs" modern girl!
Those don't cook, eat one leaf of salad then say "aaah I eat too much!"
put two fingers in the mouth and BWAH!!! Vomit everything!
In Italy we say "donna baffuta, sempre piaciuta" means "a woman
with mustache is the best ever", but if you don't like it, no problem...

I SHAVE!

He listened to me then he ran away, all red like when
he ate my "arrabbiata".
I know the boy likes me,
but he is shy, he don't DARE!

Last Friday I come to clean and I found him in his office.

I say, boy, what you do here, it is night!
He say: "actually I'm trying to decode this formula, it has been found near the victim, she wrote it with her blood, just before dying. I believe it contains the name of the unsub. If I discover it, many people will be saved. I cannot go home and leave this case unsolved..."
I say: "hey, it's easy! Look, you add first line to third, you take one number yes, one number no, you divide all for the number of stars in the consellation of the Dog and you have:1426772242092622062515229. if you put letters going backward, you get..."

"MATTHEW GRAY GUBLER!!!! The unsub is Matthew Gray Gubler!!!
YOU SOLVED THE CASE!!!!"

Then we stay there until the morning, talking.
The boy is really genius! HE UNDERSTANDS EVERYTHING I SAY!!!!

__________________________________________________


Today big party for me, it is my birthday, and also I celebrate
I don't work anymore as a G.U.B.E.



Now I work for the B.A.U., for the Hotch, the one who always look as he has
caught his balls in the zipper. Maybe for this he never smiles.
But he is nice man.
When I blow candles, they say:" Paola, this is your birthday,
you can ask a gift and we give you."
so I said:" I don't want gift, I want little Dr. Reid come out tonight
with me for fun, and I choose where to go!"
But the Hoolligan says: "no, this is not something we can give you, Reid is not a..."

then, suddenly, dr. Reid stand up and says: "Ok...er...um...Paola, I will...
er...come out with you...tonight...If it's this that you...want..."

(and I think is true, I am genius too, because I understand what he says!)

I don't say nothing. My heart go BWAM!!!!!! And I feel my eyes like when I chop a kilo of onions for my "Bolognese" ...
__________________________________________________________
A WEEK LATER

"Man, I can't believe you are dating Paola! I mean, she is a wonderful person,
but she is six feet nine inches tall! She is as feminine as Shrek! It's like you
were dating a bodygard with a bra!

"Actually, I don’t believe that beauty and grace can be accurately quantified...you know me, Morgan, I've never laughed a lot in my whole life...I usually spend my
time feeling uneasy and worryng about everything.
She is so funny she makes me laugh all the time!
When I am with her, I feel happy, I feel safe, like never before...
She takes care of me better than a mother, and she is incredibly smart,
she always seems to know exactly what I need...maybe I really needed
a bodygard, maybe I needed a guardian angel, a guardian angel
for my soul...
With her I do things I never did before in my life... with her
I feel I become a better profiler...a better person.
And you know, Morgan, she looks wonderful, to me."


* Paola's voice calling from the corridor*:" Are you ready,
sweet little honeybird?
Today you choose the movie, we won't really watch it, anyway,
if you know what I mean...HE HE HE!*wink wink*
But before, if we have time, I teach you some Catch holds, very funny,
sure you like it!!!!!"

Reid, to Morgan, with a happy grin: "You see what I mean?"


THE END

Similarities to actual events, persons, television shows are purely coincidental

P.S. I'm NOT 6 feet 9 inches tall. And I have NO mustache. All the rest (funny, incredibly smart .....) is true, of course. Paolafromparis.

A MODEL FOR US ALL


So... this is you...Mr. Gubler??? You look a bit...blurred...
you looked CLEARER in Criminal minds...

No, you silly, I'm not REALLY here...this is just a TV interview!
And...what the hell have you done with your pic? You look much nicer than you really are...
PATHETIC!


Can we go on with this interview??? President Bush and the Pope are planned
to be next and it's already half an hour they are standing out there in the rain...
So, How did you do to become an actor, Mr. Gubler?


Actually I did A LOT more in order NOT to become an actor...
I'm a country boy, the Hollywood world was not for me...

You know, there, everything is corrupted with sin
and lust...and...and
all kinds of..of...of PERVERSION!

women and men...

men and men...

and even...MEN and....




I don't even DARE to tell you...

A real ABOMINATION!

Girls didn't leave me alone a second, it was annoying...

sometimes even VERY annoying...

but that wasn't the worst!
also the guys at the studio were looking at me in that funny way

telling me kinda...dirty stories of...animals...I think there were lots of flies...no.. .wasps, maybe...
NO, I GOT IT, birds and bees in them...
I wonder WHY...

always looking at me with...you know, that "have you nipples?"
kind of look...

until that I still could COPE with the situation....
BUT then

THE DOG started to wink at me TOO!

That's why I decided I had to leave that world.. and look for a cleaner,
easier, world...a world where everybody smiles.. everybody
is happy
for each daily little thing, like eating a bit of cheese
or wearing a pair of shoes and immediately becoming
a basketball champion...

I became a MODEL!



It was harder than I thought, though...

You have to know that to keep your body in perfect shape is a full time job! The guy kept on telling me "Matthew you have to get rid off all this cellulitis..."

so I started to do the G.U.B.E.(Get Unconscious Before Eating) diet:
a friend had to hit me very hard on my head just before every meal.
Painful, yes, but INCREDIBLY effective!
Despite I was so hungry that I almost started to eat myself up,

after only a couple of weeks I looked like this:


but I think the worst of all was the chiropodist.

a real TORTURE!

And advertising was also quite hard stuff...

The first advertising I had to do, for instance, at the beginning
I thought it was for a well known brand of body creams and shampoos...
l'Oreab, they said..but it turned out to be
" Long' Original Rifles, Explosives and Bombs"
and it was hard....

trying to look sexy when you had to say...

after being blown away by a huge explosion....

But frankly the second spot, for the same company, was even worst, I hadn't a word to say, just aim

and shoot:

and the other guy didn't even have a medical insurance!

the last one I did was an advertisment for a cheap plastic surgery clinic, the M&M, (Moderate and Marvellous) clinic.
The slogan had to be "melt your thighs not your purse" or something like that.

the scene was just perfect..

only, I put a bit too much enthusiasm in it...

luckily the guy was left-handed.

that is why I came back to the cinema.
They have STUNT MEN, there.

STAIRWAY TO FAME

All of you, of course, know Matthew Gray Gubler, a brilliant young
actor who has an outstanding role in "Criminal Minds", CBS lead show.
But few people know his real story, his struggle to climb the stairs of
fame...

CHILDHOOD IN THE FOREST
Young MGG came to life in a miserable cabin in the Las Vegas Woods.
His father, a poor trapper who could hardly feed his 21 children, was
obliged to collect wood in the forest to warm up his family in the long
Las Veganian winters.
Here you can see some rare photos from the family album.

They were so poor that Matthew's father was obliged to go hunting in
the forest to feed the family:

the skins of the slaughtered animals were used as clothes in
the Winter:


This is a photo of Matthew and two of his brothers, taken
in Summer:


HITCHHIKINGTO A NEW WOODS

One day young Matthew had enough of this life of misery, and decided
to look for another woods where he could live far from his family.
And he started his career of a hitchhiker.
At the beginning his lack of coordination gave him some problems:

the drivers had an extremely hard time trying to figure out where
the hell the boy wanted to go...
Finally, when he managed to follow the indication "Hollywood",
he was miles away from imagining what life was planning for him....
When he realized at last that the Holly-WOOD wasn't one, he realized also
that he needed something to wear instead of his usual Winter clothes...
and especially instead of his usual SUMMER ones....

Young Matthew had no money, but he has compassionate even if
picturesque friends:



Each one of them gave him one of their clothes. The result was...
well, interesting...

and relatively correct, considering from WHERE the trousers came from...



BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS

The young Matthew was now in Hollywood...as someone once said:
"He wasn't able to do anything, so he became an actor"

and a GREAT one.

But before getting the role that made us all love him, he had to
literally cross the desert.
He made ALL the possible castings, undergoing terrible
deceptions and humiliations.
Here you will find all the films he could have been in if only
his luck had been as big as his talent...

MGG'S "ALMOST" FILMOGRAPHY

Some like it hot


Pretty woman


The horse whisperer



Kiss of the dragon

The dear hunter



E.T. the extra-terrestrial



SHREK

and SHREK 2

LASSIE

OOOPS! sorry, this was the guy who actually GOT the
role (before the make up and special effects session)

THIS was Matthew...


er...nice try, Matthew!!!

and the most important role he ALMOST had:

BASIC INSTINCT!
(The role was finally given to Sharon Stone all because
Matthew was wearing a PINK shock in the chair
seduction's scene! There is no justice!!!)