I was at the studios, alone as usual,
they had kicked me out from
the picket line,
just because they did not
understand my peculiar
sense of HUMOR...
(I WAS JOKING, for heaven's sake!)
So I was playing with my computer,
and trying to have a serious conversation
with that ANDY who was hiding
somewhere with his stupid camera,
when someone knocked at the door.
The guy introduced himself as
Les Moonves...Les Moonves?
his name ringed a bell...
probably someone I saw
on the television, I thought...
The guy said that he noticed me
on the picket line,
complimented me and
ended up asking me
to give him informations
about the cast and crew....
a sort of spy game...
but I'm not an idiot, and
I immediately understood...
this was certainly the guy
who was looking for
the new James Bond!
OF COURSE he
couldn't tell me directly.
There are lots of young morons
who dream to have that job!
WOW! When I think
that when I showed up for
the fifteenth time
at the James Bond casting,
some years ago, they told me
that considering how I handled
the gun, I could be at most
a BOND GIRL!
Idiots...
And now the opportunity
came directly to knock on my door...
Unfortunately I had to answer
that I couldn't, that
I had signed for 6 years,
and that I had a lot of friends here....
But then he said:
"friends? What kind of friends?
You just turn your back
and they *bip* you!
what they do, for you? Think!"
Well, this is not something that
I often do, but
I started to THINK.
3 years of CM. And what I had?
they tortured me,
starved me almost to death,
(to the point that they had an
incredibly hard time to find
a stunt man thin enough for me,
so this is what I finally got.)
they've stolen my shoes,
and my socks, one from each pair
(so I had to invent that
"mismatching socks" nonsense)
THEY EVEN TOOK MY WHISTLE!
and they NEVER EVER
respected my turn on the swing!
So I said yes. I told him
I would do the job.
It would be my revenge!
OK, but then, to get the role,
to become the real G.U.B.E.
(Greatest Unequalled Bond Ever)
I had to train a bit!
This is why I subscribed
to a "survivor camp".
One of the first things they did
was to give me a bottle.
"Molotov" they said.
Molotov? I knew that name...
VODKA, for sure!
Now, you know how
important for James Bond
is to drink in a virile way!
despite I generally dont' drink...
I resisted bravely to the "shock"!
But then, unfortunately, just after.....
I... er... I had to FART....
and even my desperate attempt
to warn them.....
"FIRE IN THE HOLE!"
was no use....
"Survivor camp"....Crap!
why the hell they call it
"SURVIVOR camp?"
there weren't any!
you should NEVER believe
advertising!
I threw away the rest of
the vodka, and THIS
gave way to an interesting episode...
but I will tell you after.
The absolute best in James Bond films
are perks: and ultimate perks are...
guess what!
Bond girls!
I heard that THEY ARE
part of the contract!
Much better than laptops, salt,
wine or someone's insuline!
(more difficult to stick
into my pants, though.)
Ah, Bond gils...
so beautiful, so intriguing,
so sexy, so different
one from the other....
The one in "007 the ape man"
and also in
"007 the Empire strikes back"
were a bit WEIRD, though.
The one I had chosen for
"007, Somebody's watching"
was much better!
Ah, Bond girls...
When they look at you, their HERO,
with that special look in their eyes
when you jump on your incredible
BATMOBILE, or when after
you've been hiding to change
your dress in a telephone cab
or in an elevator,
you spring out, majestic
in your blue pajama and shout:
TO INFINITY...AND BEYOND!!!!!
When Mr. Moonves came back
I showed him the trailer I had made
OK, I had had some little
problems with the soundtrack,
but globally I was
extremely proud of it!
Then, in order to impress him,
I even recited him the most
famous quote from a
James Bond movie:
"When in the Course
of human events,
it becomes necessary
for one people...."
He looked at me like if I were CRAZY...
then strode away smoking his Havana
without sayng a world...
Believe, me with this kind of people
discussions are USELESS.
Then there was a kind
of chain reaction....
he had put his car EXACTLY
on the place where I had
poured that vodka....
and he threw away his Havana
just before entering his car, and...
Well, he didn't die, but
someone told me he was
so frightened because he thought
I was an agent of the WGA
(probably a criminal organization,
the leader is not called Al Verrone?)
that suddenly decided to go back to
the negotiations.
NEGOCIATIONS?
no idea what he was talking about...
but something positive happened, finally:
I could go back to the picket line!!!
When Mr. Moonves came back
I showed him the trailer I had made
OK, I had had some little
problems with the soundtrack,
but globally I was
extremely proud of it!
Then, in order to impress him,
I even recited him the most
famous quote from a
James Bond movie:
"When in the Course
of human events,
it becomes necessary
for one people...."
He looked at me like if I were CRAZY...
then strode away smoking his Havana
without sayng a world...
Believe, me with this kind of people
discussions are USELESS.
Then there was a kind
of chain reaction....
he had put his car EXACTLY
on the place where I had
poured that vodka....
and he threw away his Havana
just before entering his car, and...
Well, he didn't die, but
someone told me he was
so frightened because he thought
I was an agent of the WGA
(probably a criminal organization,
the leader is not called Al Verrone?)
that suddenly decided to go back to
the negotiations.
NEGOCIATIONS?
no idea what he was talking about...
but something positive happened, finally:
I could go back to the picket line!!!
